i used to be passive aggressive, but now i’m aggressively passive. don’t mess with me kiddo. i’ll be right here. i’ll fucking forgive you
GOING TO ASK K-KURLOZ..
I WANT HIM TO TALK…AND PREACH…AND TO FORGIVE HIMSELF.
I FUCKED UP.
LOOK, ANYONE SAYING YOU CANT CRY IS STUPID. ESPECIALLY IS SAID PERSON WANTS YOU TO GET WORK DONE OR SOMETHING.
YOU CANT FOCUS ON STUFF IF THEY DONT ALLOW YOU TO GRIEVE. IT JUST DOESNT WORK THAT WAY
ANSWER ME MOG I’M THE DEAF ONE DAMNIT
WHO SAYS YOU’RE NOT ALLOWED TO CRY? YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO CRY YOU YOU WILL HURT YOURSELF
I’m really afraid to feel happy because it never lasts."
==> You know exactly what you’ve done. It’s something you always knew she would see in you, but after all her denial that she would ever scorn you, you had finally pushed her to that point. The sick part of you is relieved that she was there on the ground, still present. She wasn’t gone. You could deal with any hate or horror she held toward you, but you needed her to be present. You wince at being addressed as master. You’re looking down at her with a shut down of your emotions. The worst defense mechanism ever created.
==> She didn’t want to be with you. And who could blame her?
==> She’s seen what you do, what you’ve always believed in, and she had stuck through it all claiming that you still had some good in you. You wonder. She must have finally realized that not an ounce of light exists within you, and you are nothing but darkness. Even so, you can’t stand to be that high above her anymore, and you let yourself drop to your knees, but then your body defies your lack of emotions. Your arms spread out and reach for her, but they stop. Why would she want you to touch her? But they still tug her to your chest and keep a firm lock.
==> It might be the last time you ever hold her. If she ends things with you, then you could put her in a trance and force her to love you for all of eternity, but what good would it do? You’d have to let her go.
==> You were supposed to finally be happy together. You were going to get married in the unforgiving cold, and you were going to hold her every night. You were going to make sure she stayed beside you through it all, you were going to make sure she was spared. But that’s a cruelty in itself for someone who has lost the will and strength to carry on. You have to control that trembling. It’s just cold. You’re just cold.
==> It’s mother fucking cold.
==>Every fiber of your being screams with rage at his touch. You hate him. How he could say such a thing and follow you and use your mind and pretend to care. Somewhere in this unlife he’d managed to get himself three quadrants, you are sure he could do without one now and you want to break off every tie you’ve ever had with him, spit in his face that you’d rather double die than marry him, you’d rather double die than be in his arms.
==>You were so done with him breaking you and then trying to hold together your pieces. He was so careless with them and still demanded so much and your Horsey is dead, and he wanted you to not cry, and he didn’t let you mourn him. You will not cry for him, you will not show him that softer side of you, the you that would cling and cry. He is not worth that.Horuss is gone and soon everyone else would be too. If he had never come back into your life you would have been so happy in your afterlife and you’d never have to worry.
I N33D YOU…TO LET ME GO. BEFORE I SAY SOMETHING REALLY HURTFUL AND REGRETFUL.
IF MASTER SO FUCKING WISHES IT TO BE OF COURSE. I’M A SERVANT OF THE MESSIAHS. I WON’T FIGHT, TELL THEM TO STOP TAKING WHAT I LOVE AWAY FROM ME. OR MAYBE YOU CAN END THIS FUCKING JOKE AND SEND ME OFF TO MY DOUBLE DEATH TOO. PLEASE.
WELL. I HOPE YOU LET YOURSELF CRY OKAY??? IS WHAT YOU SHOULD DO.
KURLOZ DOESNT TALK TO ME ANYMORE SO I DONT KNOW WHAT TO SAY ABOUT THAT ONE.
I’M NOT ALLOWED TO CRY.
AND I DONT KNOW HOW I F33L ABOUT KURLOZ RIGHT NOW.